Oh my Fug! -- The Tudors

The Tudors is a new mini-series (well, maxi-series really; they're on to season 3) that uses Henry VIII as an excuse for a soap opera. I've never seen it and I never will, but while googling 'Anne Boleyn' I chanced on pics racy enough for pornos and, you guessed it, some total crap in the garb department.

Meet Anne Boleyn and her fuddled up wardrobe. Haven't I fugged this thing before? Yes, it's the infamous 'Florentine' dress. I didn't know queens went for cheapass Halloween costumes.

Oh, dear bugger. A poodle just died on her head! Come on, people, they were using ermine corpses back then and actually tailoring them.

And why can't she put on a chemise? Those flagrantly unperiod sleeves are showing off a lot of skin. Oh, and I'm real sure they used spiderweb textures on their bodices. And honey, don't you want to impress your pretty, poncy Henry look-unlike? Don't you want to show off your wealth with a jeweled French hood instead of cheapass braid trim? I'd say your jewellery looked Victorian if it wasn't obviously plastic. And what's he got around his neck? Wow, they had Swarovski crystal beads back then!

It's not all bad. This looks pretty and would be great in the Society for Pre-Raphaelite Anachronism. It isn't Tudor, though. It's Arwen in a corset.

But I guess historical inaccuracy doesn't matter, because she spends most of her time slipping out of her dresses anyway. The little hussy traipses around in her corset. I know this is supposed to be some kind of allegorical costume scene, but that's no excuse for parading your bare arms around. And ruffs are not Tudor. Neither is your little French twist, or the fucking shiny metal heart tacked to your cheek. And Henry? Plastic crowns and patent leather don't become you. I'm surprised your little strumpet isn't laughing in your face.

Oh, and we've got some great promo stills. Behold the strapless Tudor nightie! And if they're about to do the nasty, why has he got bare arms and a doublet? Are we supposed to believe that he took the doublet off (he'd have to, to shrug out of the undershirt) and then put it back on? Half clothed royalty must be Anne's fetish and she really likes it when he wears his chains of state to bed!

Henry's doublet has as much to do with Tudor as my pasty gothic ass has to do with tan lines. I've said it before: little caps over the shoulders are Elizabethan. Mid to Late Elizabethan. Henry liked big puffy sleeves and wide fur collars, and — check his portraits — lots of red and gold and white. But I guess that's not manly enough for the BBC's new sex-crazed bad boy. Oh noes, put him in black leather! And let's slap Anne in a gaping, sleeveless bodice with ugly trim!

Does it not piss off anyone else when the guy's fully clothed and the gal is flashing her twat? The whole deal with the real Anne Boleyn is that she won him over with elegance and wit. She had to, because she wasn't really all that pretty. Which brings me to the most disturbing thing about this series. It isn't the clothes, or the 19th century carriages, or the asphalt driveways or the modern radiators. It's the way they've portrayed historical figures as naked nymphets. Fans are saying that this series is OMG soooooo much better than it would have been with a pudgy Henry and an Anne who didn't look like 15 year old jailbait. But I think pretty teenagers get boring real damn fast. And wouldn't it be nice to have a plot instead of porn?

Ahh, well. When the official DVD press release posts images like this, you know the thing is a flimsy excuse for tits and ass. And if skinny supermodels are your kink, it does not disappoint:

Oh yeah, I'm real sure Henry'd go for Anorexic Anne. This chick is way too scrawny to be fertile.