Sunday, 22 March 2009
The Life of Fugly
Step with me into the Life of Riley! There's a desperately small selection here, but every piece manages to be stuffed full of errors.
Let's start with Medieval England. The picture doesn't do this 'stunner' justice, they insist. Gee, maybe that's because the blurry little thing you've posted wouldn't do justice to my dog's vomit. All I can see is a grey and pink and lavender monstrosity. Maybe that's a good thing... I'm spared the delicate details of orange and teal. As I squint, I wonder: What's that smudgy pattern on the overdress? Is that underskirt made of Victorian chintz? Is that a fucking cowl neck I'm seeing? And what about that little swirly pattern you've stamped everywhere? Looks modern. I've got a lot of decorative fonts. Maybe they supersized one.
On to the Renaissance. Oh my God. Paisley? PAISLEY? Only if a colourblind Venetian courtesan got time-warped to the 60's. Once again I am spared the full horror. They're saying the sleeves are orange and the lacings are green. And what about the fabric? Synthetic velvet? Corduroy!?
Yet more Italian Renaissance, and here the colour is greige. I can't believe any noblewoman could be so dowdy. She wouldn't use crochetted lace. And what's that dangling from the bodice? A cross made out of paper clips?
Renaissance #3 is made from Laura Ashley bedsheets. Is it too much to ask that you do five minutes of research before you start stitching away?