Monday, 23 March 2009
Alicia's rents out costumes from almost every period imaginable, and doesn't specialise in Ren Fairs or SCA. But it's offering custom made, 'professional' outfits and hopes to provide us with the 'finest quality costumes available.' It ought to be far above the level of cheap Halloween crap.
Not so. And because the clothes are so crappy, I am going to snark away. I've seen costumes sold in plastic wrap that looked better than this thing, which they're calling Medieval though it seems like a colourblind goth with no dress sense went crazy with the discount lace. And this? Nice try, but it's too Conan for the middle ages and covers up too much skin for Conan.
On to the Renaissance. Their tiny Elizabethan section is filled with crushed velvet. I'm no purist, and I don't give a shit if you make your garb with polyester as long as it looks like natural fibre. But crushed velvet does not qualify. It's got lycra in it, and it shows.
Sadly, the Elizabethan is the best of the Renaissance sections. Bravely, I venture on into 'Jesters.' Oh, dear, what have we here? It's a hoodie. A fucking hoodie. In a colour that would look good on no one, and with shredded hems that wouldn't ever, ever, ever pass as dags. As for peasants, they might patch their clothes, but they'd never sit down and make a whole skirt out of patches.
In 'Nobility,' we pair the crime of crushed velvet with the crime of gold lamé. We clothe some poor dipshit in ill-fitting white, green and orange. Nevermind the thousands of historical inaccuracies... this thing is just plain fugly. And... oh dear. A bodice front broad enough to use for target practice, a gown made of a blatantly modern, blatantly shiny floral print, cheesy satin sleeves with lace cuffs, and let's not start on the lack of a veil.
And they've got wizards. Poorly made. In powder blue. I think they stole bolts of the stuff hospitals use to make scrubs. Want more colour? No problem. But a kid with a knockoff Gandalf costume could put you to shame.
And now for the worst crime against colour schemes of all. I could say that this dress desperately needs a farthingale, and that hanging sleeves beginning at the shoulder are not tudor, and neither is the neck ruffle, or burnout velvet, or the stupid flap of wtf at the waist. But no, I won't go into that. I'll just stare, awestruck, at the GODAWFUL BLARING ORANGE.
Cheesy, ugly, poorly made. Oh yes, fine quality costumes indeed.