Friday, 3 April 2009

Back to Hollywood: King Arthur

This movie was so far off the mark that I don't know where to start. So I'm doing this alphabetically!

A is for authenticity, which is pretty much absent, or for armour, which I'm not really qualified to snark.
B is for black - yes, a cheap black was possible, but nobody wanted to wear it.
C is for cloaks, which would probably help in the middle of winter. And when they do wear them, they're a modern cut.
D is for dye, which was common in this historical period but apparently not in the costuming department.
E is for edges, which should be nicely hemmed on clothing - this is a bit hit-and-miss if you look closely. Also for Kiera's empire-waist dress; underbust seams start around 1505.
F is for fur cloaks. Fur-LINED, everyone, fur-LINED. Also, frayed trim and flowered headband. No. Stoppit.
G is for Greek, as in 'why is someone wearing a Greek-inspired dress in this flick?'.
H is for hair, which is being worn in modern styles by the lead men and impractical styles by everyone else.
I is for incorrect, meaning the right and left boots everyone's wearing when they should be made to fit either foot. (Wow this is hard.)
J is for jewelry, which is missing in the movie.
K is for Kiera's boobs, which should not be on view.
L is for leather and chain-mail stitched together in armour. Sorry, no.
M is for man-titty. I refer here to some of the breastplates.
N is for necklines, which are mostly wrong - they should be mainly high and round.
O is for off-the-shoulder, which is not even an option for a prostitute in this period.
P is for poor tailoring, see Kiera's pale green dress, and for push-up bras - enough said.
Q is for a queen (and king) with no crowns or other signs of rank.
R is for standard Roman armour, for which the movie's set at least 60 years too late.
S is for shaved head, which I have no explanation for; or sleeveless, ditto.
T is for torc, a male item worn by a female in the movie.
U is for underwear, did they have any? I speak, of course, of braies, a shirt, a chemise... It's also for ugly trim.
V is for Viking shields, which the Saxons are carrying for some reason.
W is for WTF, which is all that can be said about Kiera's armour-like outfit. Also for wool - look into some.
X is the period-appropriate rating for Kiera's ridiculous armour.
Y is for yellow, which should exist for these costumes.
Z is for zippers, which thankfully the movie doesn't have... okay, I'm reaching here, but you try and find one for Z.

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